Harold Bishop has a posse

The Rae St Institute > Blog archive > Partial Transcript of Proceedings

15 November 2005

THE FEDERAL COURT OF FALSE PREMISES

The Estate of Sir Isaac Newton v The Author

Proceedings: 17446/2005

Counsel for Plaintiff:
Mr Bert Newton QC

Counsel for Defendant:
Dr Henrik Ziegler


Mr. Newton: In summary, Your Honour, the defendant was attempting to engage in a reckless and inattentive shallow-angle crossing of tram lines on his bicycle on St Georges Road, with little heed to the combination of over-inflated balding tyres, and a gap just wide enough to grab them. The results were, though painful, inevitable. And here's Moira to round off our closing argument:



Judge: Thankyou.

Judge: Counsel for the defence?

Dr. Ziegler: Huh?

Judge: Your closing argument.

Dr. Ziegler: What?

Judge: Your closing argument!

Dr. Ziegler: [unintelligible] ... I'm not closing!

Judge: Sir, I put it to you that you are drunk.

Dr. Ziegler: Well, "Your Honour", if that IS your real name - which I sincerely doubt - I put it to YOU that if you don't shut up, I'm going to smash this table over your head so hard the Bailiff will catch on fire.

Judge: ...

Dr. Ziegler: Therefore you must acquit.

Judge: Um, right.. the court finds for the plaintiff, to the order of:
  • Two broken headlights
  • One smashed watch
  • Two wheel buckles
  • Three square inches of skin
  • A smidgeon or four of chest pain
Judge: As these measures were summarily instituted by the plaintiff, it is the opinion of the court that a mutual settlement has been reached, and no further proceedings are required.

2 Comments - [post a comment]

cfsmtb, Monday, November 21, 2005, 4:56 AM
fuck gravity.
Dr Henrik Ziegler, Monday, November 21, 2005, 5:52 AM
actually it's more a case of 'fuck complacency' really..

middle of the day, returning from Piedimontes and the post office. Too too casual and laid back, not paying attention.